The Illegal Clubs/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots ] [ bird squawks ] harold: We invite you and yours to join us and ours for the next 30 minutes on "the red green show"! You know, time is money, and this is only half an hour, but it seems a lot longer, you know, so it's really a bargain. And I love doing this show. I couldn't do it without my uncle. And, well, because he's the head honcho around here. That is, until, of course, he realizes that he's actually past it, and that's the day that I get to take over. Wa-a-a! But until that time, here's the head honcho, the big guy with the twinkle in his eye, and in the twilight of his career, the current host of "the red green show," mr. Red green! Thank you, harold. Thank you. Welcome to possum lodge. That intro made me feel 20 years younger. Well, I'm glad to hear that you feel 50 again. Wa-a-a! You need me around here. 'cause without me, you couldn't do this. [ keyboard clacking ] and if I could, I wouldn't, harold. Something going on with bob stuyvesant this week up at the lodge. He's real excited about something or other. Well, maybe it's his job. You know, he works for natural resources. Well, what could be exciting about that, harold, other than the government pension? Well, maybe, just maybe, he's, like, created some new oversized vegetable. No, harold, but I think your parents may have. Why are you being so cruel to me? What did I ever do to you? Well, that introduction comes to mind. Fair enough. No, there's only two things that excite a man -- expensive toys and real expensive toys. Now, with bob, I'd say this toy has something to do with golf since he happens to be a golfaholic-amaniac. You think maybe he bought, like, a golf course? Well, if he did, harold, I'm gonna go work for natural resources. Oh, yeah, right. Too expensive, isn't it? Well, maybe he bought a golf ball, you know? One of those orange ones with the huge dimples on it. Could be like that. Or designer tees. Maybe got designer tees. They make designer tees? They made designer tees, he probably got those. Or a megaphone. Maybe he got a megaphone. And then he could just yell "fore" really loud. You know, like, "fore!" fore, fore, fore, fore, fore! 'cause he got, like -- but, yeah, okay, how is he gonna hold a megaphone and his clubs? Yeah. You know what it could be? Like, a customized hat-mounted mini-megaphone and it automatically dispenses tees right into the ground! Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang! It's one of those! That's what he got! That's so great! [ laughs ] harold, maybe you should just go right into the next segment. There's already too much violence on television. Yeah, okay. That was good, uncle red, the way you picked up on that and kept things moving and everything. That's good, you know. It shows you mellowed. Shut up, harold. You slipped back a little bit there, though. Hey, bob, that new set of clubs came in today. I brought them over. Oh, that's great news, murray! [ chuckles ] this might be the set that helps me break par. Yeah. Or even break 100. You've never broken 100? Well, not on nine consecutive holes, no. Okay, bring them in, dwayne! Oh, great. All right, that'll be $200 plus tax, and then there's shipping and handling, delivery charges from the store over to here. Let's just call that an even $400, huh? All right. Will you take a check? Hmm. Oh, it's a government check. I'm buying these for the department of natural resources. Oh. I use them at work, you know, for checking out nature and stuff. [ chuckles ] cash. Fine. I'm gonna need a receipt. Oh, right, yeah, yeah. Come on, dw-- oh. I love the smell of new clubs. Smells like victory. Yeah. All right, look. Your receipt is in the pocket with the tees, okay? Happy hacking. Let's go, dwayne. Thanks, murray. You're welcome. Wait a minute. Well, these are all woods. So? Well, where are the irons? Well, who needs irons? Oh, trust me. These clubs are gonna bring your score right down. Well... I can't golf with all drivers. Have you ever tried golfing with just drivers? No. Huh? Well, have you ever played a good game of golf? No. Well, then what do you know? Come on, just try them out. One round, huh? Th-- th-- they're all -- they're all drivers! I mean, there's no irons, there's not even a putter! Oh, there's a putter in here. Oh, dwayne? You left the putter in the back of the truck. Oh, sorry. Get yourself another set of golf clubs, did you, bob? Bob: Yeah. Murray's selling me these miracle clubs. They're supposed to reduce my score by half. Or even to par. All that with a money-back guarantee. Oh, really? You're actually guaranteeing something you sell, murray? Well, why not? You know, if it doesn't work out, I'll take them back. If it does, I've unloaded a set of left-handed clubs. What? Lefts?! Well, these are all lefts! I golf right-handed, murray! Well, just try it once. I can't golf backwards! How could I do this and expect a half-decent score?! Have you ever golfed backwards? No. Have you ever had a half-decent score? No. All right. I guess I'll try them. I've tried just about everything else. That's great. What could possibly go wrong, I guess? That's right. So, what? So you take 200 strokes in 9 holes, huh? Yeah, well, at least it's a step in the right direction. All right, I'll give them a try. Good. When no one else is around. I don't know. Might be just crazy enough to do the trick. Here's the putter. Red: Oh, boy. [ guitar and drums playing ] ♪ they say on the river where a long time ago ♪ ♪ the paddle wheelers would come steaming to and fro ♪ ♪ they'd wave and they'd whistle ♪ ♪ as they headed for the locks ♪ ♪ and they'd plow over a bunch of swimmers ♪ ♪ and wipe out all the docks ♪ ♪ they'd leave arms and legs and deck chairs in their wake ♪ ♪ with that much polluting ♪ ♪ no wonder they're banned from the lake ♪ ♪ a long time ago, in the rivers and... ♪ ♪ and the paddle wheelers and come... ♪ red: This week in the "handyman corner," we're gonna show you how you can make your own cheap transportation. You know, what with the price of cars getting up there where it's, I believe, well over $500 now, and even a motorcycle's gonna cost you $90, eh? So I say, why not do what the handyman does? [ clears throat ] build yourself a moped. I picked up this bike for about 5 bucks down at the police auction. If that's too much for you, you can get one for free over at the public schools during nap time, or as they call it, history class. Now... All you need is some extra chain, a couple of rolls of the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape, and something to use as a motor. I'm gonna use a chain saw, but you could use an outboard motor. Or, if you don't care about going real slow, you could use one of them garage-door openers. Okay, now, first step is you got to get the pedals and the chain -- [ straining ] oh, boy -- off the bike. [ clears throat ] okay, now, there's a -- there's a trick to this. Okay, I don't think that's the trick. All righty. You know, there might be some kind of a wrench or something you use on these. Well... Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Nope. [ sighs ] this is gonna have a lot of miles on it by the time I'm done. All right, don't try sawing that off with a hacksaw. You'll just ruin a perfectly good hacksaw blade. Harold had the right wrench in his bike kit. Get that off. Save these pedals, though, 'cause next week we're gonna show you how to make a foot-powered egg slicer. [ clanging ] all right. Uh, next step is to get the chain off the saw. [ groans ] now, uh, you'll find there's a... There's one special link on the chain that just comes apart. And can you pry that open or you can cut it off with snips or, uh, if you have a heavy vehicle at all, just back right over the darn thing. [ cat yowls ] okay, now we're ready to mount the engine right onto the bike. Now... I was gonna bolt this onto the frame of the bike, but I'm not sure how that would work. And at this point, I have no idea what I was thinking of. So I think what I'll do is I'll use a few c-clamps and a little bit more of the handyman's secret weapon -- duct tape. And when you put it on, make sure you snug her up real good. You don't want this thing whipping off between your legs at 50 miles an hour. Or maybe you do. You know. Duct tape is great stuff, isn't it? You can build a house with this stuff. Just make sure you smooth her down good. Nothing says poor craftsman like lumpy tape. Another word of caution to you. You want to put a little bit of slack in the chain, but not too much, 'cause you don't want that chain flopping around, whapping into whatever you've got flopping around. Okay. It's a real eye-catcher, isn't it? Can you imagine driving through the park in this? They're gonna see you. Well, let's give her a go. [ engine turns over ] there you have it. Nothing to it, nothing. I got nothing. I forgot to tell you to be sitting on the bike when you start it. Anyway, remember, till next time -- if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Oh, by golly, the texas moped massacre. [ engine humming ] "it is winter. "I shovel my driveway. The snowplow passes. "the driver smiles a wintry smile "and waves a hand "as he fills my driveway with snow again. I wave back with my finger." hi, red. Bob. Been on the course, have you? The course? Yeah. Oh, yes, the course. Yeah, I went out for a quick 18. How did your new left-handed woods work out? Oh, well, better than I expected, you know. Ask me how much better. All right, how much better? Six under par. Wa-a-a! No way! Yeah, 18 holes, 66 strokes. Whoo! How did you manage that? Well, two birdies, an eagle, and a hole-in-one on the 5th. On the dogleg? On the dogleg. No one has ever done that on the course! No one! Oh, I was great! Ha ha! I was great! You should have seen me! One stroke, bang, right onto the green. I sank a 20-foot putt. With, you know, a goalie stick. By the 12th hole, I had 40 guys following me around and applauding. Applauding me! An eagle! Can you believe this?! Oh, man, oh, man! Way to go, bob! That's great! Congratulations! Those are some miracle clubs there, bob. Well, it's not just the clubs, red. It was magic. Serendipity. It was the greatest day of my life. Whoo-hoo-hoo! You'll never have another game like that again. I know. I know. This was the greatest day of my life. You know, I could play golf for another hundred years and never have a game like that again, ever. I mean, this was the greatest day of my life! This was it! It happened! From now on, it's all... It's all downhill. I'll never play a game like that ever again. I did it. I had a dream, and... Now it's over. I have nothing left to live for, do I? Sure you do, bob, sure you do. Well, how can you beat six under par? Seven under par? Sorry. Sure, seven under par. I used to take seven strokes just for one hole! I mean, I may improve just a bit more, but never like I did today. Oh, it's all over! [ crying ] what am I gonna do now? Well, you can grab your putter and take up hockey. Red: Last week on "adventures with bill," bill said he wanted to do some fishing. So I took the fishing and line down, but he had something else totally in mind. I've never seen one of these. I heard about them. It's a kind of a rig that you don't need a boat to go fishing. You put these big, huge -- they don't call 'em flippers, but they look like flippers. But if they called them flippers, they couldn't charge as much. Put them on your feet, and then you put the rig in there. And he's just showing -- they go on just -- oh, oh. Well, I guess they don't go on quite as easy as flippers. But they come off a lot easier. Anyway, he's gonna have one engine instead of two, I guess. And what you do is, almost like a diaper thing, you step into the rig and it's basically a portable fishing boat kind of... No. Well, oh... Boy, you don't want to be a fish looking up at that point. Okay. Oh, well, we know where we're going with this, don't we? Yeah. And he lost his tube. And it's called a float tube. That's why I say that. Now, this time, go in from the ladder where it's a little bit lower, and get the one foot in there, and then try to get the other -- try to put the other foot in there, too. No, that's only one. Bill, that's just one. Whoa! No, no, no. It's amazing you still want to go fishing after -- now he's gonna just put it on on the dock and then just jump in. But the flipper, it hooked in between the boards. He didn't notice that. I tried to point it out to him, but he just... Whoa! [ gurgling ] you know, you pay for not listening. Anyway, he finally got into it there, and he wanted some help, 'cause he had -- you know, something handy around the dock, like a boat hook, is such a handy thing. You never know what you're gonna use it for. Now, what I want to do is hand him all -- 'cause there's compartments in the float tube. You can put your tackle box in there and your thermos and a flashlight. 'cause you don't know how long he's gonna be out there. And the bait, I just kind of threw in there. I thought it might keep him awake, you know. And the fishing rod. And he's ready to rip. There's a little apron on the front that goes up to keep everything dry. And even with the one flipper, he could get out to where he wanted to fish, and hey, look there. So I thought I'd just take the boat out and kind of go out and join him, you know. It looked like kind of fun. Plus, I had brought my fishing rod, as I said. And if he caught -- what do you do with a real big one, anyway? He wanted me to come on over, but you know, by golly, when you get the 9.9 opened up there, it kind of raises the bow a certain extent. And she wasn't running real good. It seemed to me she was running rich, and I'm trying to adjust the mixture on that. 'cause you're running rich, you're gonna burn a lot of gas. And... Ugh! And -- oh, oh -- the thing was, I never did see bill. And I went way up the lake. I hope he's okay. Well, buster hadfield and I went down to the store to ask murray about the stolen clubs. Of course, murray denied everything before we'd even asked. Dwayne nodded a lot and then he sold buster a fishing hat that he'd made out of a guitar. Buster has trouble finding hats. But that small, round head of his fit perfectly into the sound hole. The neck kind of going straight out here, and three strings under each ear. He looked like somebody who'd stood too close to the stage during a pete townshend guitar solo. On the way back to the lodge, he was doing barre chords with his comb, and he got caught in a crosswind that produced about the loudest "e" minor 7th I've ever heard. Oh, uncle red, excuse me, but this has very little or nothing, actually, to do with bob's midlife crisis and his golf clubs. I think your mind is kind of wandering there. Well, my mind may wander, harold, but at least it gets out once in a while. Okay, so, where was I? Oh, yeah. The two "e" pegs kind of shot up buster's nose there -- [ screeching ] oh, saved by the possum! It's meeting time. Come on, uncle red. Let's get downstairs and see what's going on. Yeah, okay, well, I'll just head down to the lodge meeting here. We're gonna try and find a new hobby for bob. I wonder if he'd like harold's job. Excuse me a minute. [ screeching ] [ indistinct conversations ] harold: All rise. Wa-a-a! All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. Red: Sit down. Would all members please remove their hats? [ guitar strings plucking ] thank you, buster. The floor recognizes noel christmas. Thank you, red. Red... I've got proof that bob's new clubs are hot. Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! I'm sorry, bob. I-I couldn't have known. But remember, caveat emptor. Oh, I don't care. Well, bob, I'm gonna have to impound those as evidence and take them down to the station. Sorry. All right, here. [ indistinct murmuring ] I want my money back, though, murray. Oh, sorry, no can do, bob. The goods have been confiscated, you see. One more point. Bob, murray, dwayne, you're all under arrest for dealing in stolen goods. Oh! What?! Are you accusing us of knowingly dealing with stolen goods?! Wait a minute, I didn't even know that they were stolen! Yeah, he wasn't even there when the guy who swiped them came to the store. I-I mean, we don't know anything. We don't know anything. All right, bob, you can go free. Go on. Murray, dwayne, you're under arrest. We didn't know they were stolen! Now, this guy just came into the store, he said he was gonna become a missionary and work in africa, and he wanted to sell off his collection of left-handed clubs to finance his missionary work. And buy a new hat. He went to africa. Yeah, he got a missionary position. You got any proof? Huh? I mean, can anybody here corroborate this story? [ indistinct talking ] well, I think a refund might refresh my memory, murray. Oh, huh, well, how about a half a refund and a game of golf with divot brain here? Well, noel, I was there. It's all true. This guy was going to africa to convert heathens and stuff like that. And murray bought his clubs, just to help him out. That's your story. Well, it is at this point, yeah. Fine. I'll be watching you. I will be watching you. Oh, no -- [ crash ] well, if there's no other lodge business... ...Then I, uh, call on bob here to give us the meeting's entertainment. I think you got kind of a new lease on life here, bob. [ applause ] well... Thank you very much, red. Well, I... I guess I'm a man with a purpose again. I realize that it was those clubs. I mean, anyone could get a six under par score with those clubs. Well, I think everybody learned a little something tonight, and the beauty of it is it'll be totally lost on them by tomorrow morning. Bob will go back to being bob. Murray will go back to being murray. Harold will go back to being harold. But I'll fix them. I'll go back to being me. Anyway, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting tonight, and buster hadfield is gonna serenade us outside the bedroom window with his hat. So be sure and have a few potted plants ready. So, until next time, on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. right at the first hole, I stepped up to the tee, the first tee, but I hit this ball, and I just felt that right at that moment, this was not going to be a regular golf game. So I had the ball down there, and I could feel the energy coming from the ball, going right up through my club. So when I pulled back, it's not like I was even playing golf at all. It was more like I was -- oh, I don't know -- flying or something. It just seemed much, much more natural to me. Anyway, that ball just took off and arched perfectly just perpendicular to my body, arched right...